Silent Tears

One of my best friends contacted me last night in urgency. She was one of the very few friends I trust with my life whom also in the many years we've been friends, had always defended me and been completely loyal to me. She told me one thing last night - she was afraid she's going to die.

I was surprised. I know that even though we had been closer than sisters back in high school, we had sort of drifted apart after she got married and I pursued my studies. Few years ago, I wasn't fully supportive of her decision to marry at the age of 20. She still haven't finish her Diploma and knowing that her future husband did not allow her to continue towards getting a Degree or work, does not help make me see him in a nice light. Still, I was happy for her and when she got her first daughter, I was ecstatic. I was the Godmother to her little daughter and when the second daughter arrived, I couldn't be much happier.

I thought, there she was, happy with her decision, with a husband who loves her, daughters who listens to her whereas myself, sometimes trying to reach for too high and crushed when I couldn't get what I aimed for. When she had a family and happy, I was still alone, sometimes heartbroken while sometimes I manage to smile but most of the time, I felt what I always do - ALONE.

But when she called me yesterday and told me she never felt so alone like she did at the moment, I was shocked. It couldn't be so bad, I thought. My best friend, the tough one shouldn't be crying her eyes out like this. What could be the problem?

Chronic urticaria was what her doctor first thought she had but after a year of prescribed Cetirizine, she still have the allergies and when they did a blood test last month, her doctor suspected she have Hepatitis C. She was weirded out because she have not done anything that might make her contract Hepatitis C. She's worried that for not knowing about it this past year might cost her life and having to wait for two months for confirmation of the recent blood test did not help one bit. So she called me, knowing me and my Medicine background to ask me more on other possible medications, the severity of Hepatitis C and the success of liver transplant.

I didn't like it one bit that she started talking about death. It saddens me when she questions how her little girls is going to cope without her. It makes me quiver when she says she loves me. After all these years she still say the same thing, "If I was a guy, I would've married you in a heart beat." So even though I didn't cry when I spoke to her, even though I was firm and I encouraged her to get out of the dark clouds, in my heart I cried. I cried these silent tears.

Have you ever lost a best friend? I cannot imagine losing one. No, not now. Not ever!

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HAMZAH