April 09, 2010

Reminder to myself...


Just got back from Darussyifa' in Bangi. Anybody who knows this place will know what it's for. And anyone who needs to go there or looking for any details, please visit here.


The first time I went there was last week and I felt a lot better since then but just thought of going there again this week to see if everything's improved. Luckily, it has and I don't feel as much pain as last week, just a little bit and there are some Surah's that are given to me to read to make me feel safe. I admit, I'm not a very pious person. So having the Ustaz helping me out in that section leaves me very grateful indeed.

The Ustaz is very friendly. He's also a good listener. I informed him of my dream though he wouldn't interpret it for me but he explains that the final part of the dream means it's not bad and no harm will come to me. I informed him of what's been going in my life and my relationship. He asked my age and my partner's age before giving me a very good piece of advice : 

"Carilah seorang lelaki yang mencintai kamu, jangan mencari lelaki yang kamu cintai. Biar dia cintai kamu dulu, biar dia yang cari kamu dulu, biar bila sesuatu perkara buruk berlaku atau orang lain mengganggu tidak kira cara kasar ataupun halus, dia akan berusaha mencari penyelesaian atau penawar supaya dia boleh bersama dengan kamu. Carilah seorang lelaki yang berusaha untuk bersama dengan kamu walau dalam keadaan apa pun. Bukan sebaliknya."

He cited examples on relationships where the women is the one who loved the man too much. He cited examples on relationships that hurt the women unbearably due to that. His name is Ustaz Razali. He's a very nice man. However, not everybody with this name is nice (inside knowledge).

I'm not writing this to hurt anybody. This is only a reminder to me. What he said is true and I hope that one day, no matter what had happened in the past, someone who loves me would strive to fix himself up and find the cure to the envy and hate that others have for us. We cannot run from envious people from time to time, especially if we are successful in what we do and when we have a great relationship. There will always be times when this person or another is jealous of what we have and try every way possible (physical or spiritual) to hurt us. But if we really want each other, then we will work hard to be with each other. People can try many things and ways to break us up, but in the end, it only depends on us and how strong our will and resolution to fight them off. 

My recent decision was made because I don't think I am such a bad person. I think I have enough class and grace to forgive someone, in hope that the future will not be too hard for me. I had lived for many years being envied and sometimes misunderstood by my peers. Sometimes I wonder why although I am just a simple loner who prefers to be by myself and not mix with them who loves gossiping and doing mundane things. I did not choose to be in this position or being envied and misunderstood for no reason, but because I am thrown into this situation, all this had made me stronger. I wish that I will always have my strong support too. The pillar that I sometimes lean on. The same pillar that will shield me from harm just as I will shield it from harm too. I hope it is not all for nothing. Everybody make mistakes but once they realized their mistakes and they change for the better, it should not be look down upon. 

Change is not an easy thing. But someone who does change, that person deserves a standing ovation.

17 comments:

Bluecrystaldude said...

Salam Bella..

Since I haven't know you long enough, I am not sure what's going on in your life right now, and still not sure what're the reason of you went to Darussyifa, but I am guessing it's about jealousy, hatred in a relationship? You're having emotional turmoil perhaps? Whatever that is, may Allah gives you a peace somewhere in your soul. I am sure you're making the right changes to you life. Amin.

Bella Enveeus said...

Haaziq,

Your guess is close enough. Actually it's more of other people being jealous of what we have and doing things that turns our minds and emotions upside down. I never understand why some people resort to benda halus2. Why the need to be a coward right? Yes, you can say due to what has been heaped upon us, we have been having emotional turmoil and problems. Insya'Allah I pray for the best. I need to get out of this hazy stupor. It's not helping me progress at all. I know I'm not pious but insya'Allah our prayers are heard. Thanks for your encouraging words Haaziq.. :)

Rizal said...

Salam Bella,

Rizal harap semuanya semakin baik. Tabahkan hati dan kuatkan semangat ya. Memang agak tensi bila kena macam ni, memenatkan tenaga dan ruang. Tu la kadang2 bila kita baik dan wajar berprasangka baik terhadap orang, sifat hati-hati musti ada.

Apa2 pun Rizal doakan agar Bella berjaya atasi cabaran ni ya, InsyaALLAH :)

Bella Enveeus said...

Rizal,

Terima kasih atas semua kata-kata semangat Rizal (in twitter). Mungkin semua ini dugaan Allah s.w.t. untuk melihat sekiranya kami berdua (saya n bf) benar2 inginkan perhubungan ini dan sekiranya iman kami kuat untuk mengatasi cubaan dari manusia yang sentiasa cemburu dgn kelebihan org lain.. Ini juga satu pengajaran kepada kami untuk sentiasa berwaspada dengan tutur kata dan perlakuan kita dgn org lain..

Insya'Allah saya harap semua ini akan beransur pulih dengan segera.. Salam Rizal..

Razz Momma said...

my heart n my prayers goes out to u doll.. hope u will feel better and everything will be back to its normal state.. hope both of u will go through this together in support of each other..

love u doll :*

Bella Enveeus said...

Thank you hon.. I pray for the best too. Yes, we'll go through this together.. :) Always be optimistic I say..

nia said...

Hope you will get well soon dear! Baca Quran banyak2 dan amalkan surah-surah ya. Ayat kursi pun bagus juga.

I'm still shocked that these kind of phd people still exist.

Mariuca said...

=-O =-O =-O =-O =-O

Mariuca said...

Benda2 halus? *DONT_KNOW* *DONT_KNOW* >:o >:o >:o

Mariuca said...

Get well soon then sweetie, so long as u and ur partner are in this together, your love will stand the test of time! Enjoy your weekend, jgn tensi2, jgn stress and forget those "nyamuk2" bugging you, hugs! :* :* :*

Bella Enveeus said...

Nia,

Thank you for dropping by and your concern. Insya'Allah this shall pass. I know there are these kinda people around but to have it happen directly to me, it's quite painful. *sigh* I gotta think positive!

Bella Enveeus said...

:( :( :'( :'(

Bella Enveeus said...

Marzie,

Thank you. Yes, you're right as long as we're in this together and we're strong then I know we can make it.. Wish I could just use Shieldtox and spray them dead!

Bluecrystaldude said...

Oh my.. I really pity you. Benda Halus? tsk tsk. I hope you're felling much better now..

LV said...

whatever the outcome, be strong babe.. you both tried and only God knows what's really in your heart. if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. don't think about it too much honey!

love. :* :*

LV said...

what the ustaz said is right.. find someone who loves you and who will work hard to be with you.. someone who appreciates you and all that you've sacrificed and done.. we know you have a good heart. we know and we pray the best for you sweet.. :* :* ;)

Bella Enveeus said...

Thank you honey... I'm so touched.. I'm crying right now. :'( :'( OMG I don't know how to shut this tap in me.. :-D :-D

Post a Comment

Related Posts with Thumbnails