August 26, 2010

Silent Tears



One of my best friends contacted me last night in urgency. She was one of the very few friends I trust with my life whom also in the many years we've been friends, had always defended me and been completely loyal to me. She told me one thing last night - she was afraid she's going to die.

I was surprised. I know that even though we had been closer than sisters back in high school, we had sort of drifted apart after she got married and I pursued my studies. Few years ago, I wasn't fully supportive of her decision to marry at the age of 20. She still haven't finish her Diploma and knowing that her future husband did not allow her to continue towards getting a Degree or work, does not help make me see him in a nice light. Still, I was happy for her and when she got her first daughter, I was ecstatic. I was the Godmother to her little daughter and when the second daughter arrived, I couldn't be much happier.

I thought, there she was, happy with her decision, with a husband who loves her, daughters who listens to her whereas myself, sometimes trying to reach for too high and crushed when I couldn't get what I aimed for. When she had a family and happy, I was still alone, sometimes heartbroken while sometimes I manage to smile but most of the time, I felt what I always do - ALONE.

But when she called me yesterday and told me she never felt so alone like she did at the moment, I was shocked. It couldn't be so bad, I thought. My best friend, the tough one shouldn't be crying her eyes out like this. What could be the problem?

Chronic urticaria was what her doctor first thought she had but after a year of prescribed Cetirizine, she still have the allergies and when they did a blood test last month, her doctor suspected she have Hepatitis C. She was weirded out because she have not done anything that might make her contract Hepatitis C. She's worried that for not knowing about it this past year might cost her life and having to wait for two months for confirmation of the recent blood test did not help one bit. So she called me, knowing me and my Medicine background to ask me more on other possible medications, the severity of Hepatitis C and the success of liver transplant.

I didn't like it one bit that she started talking about death. It saddens me when she questions how her little girls is going to cope without her. It makes me quiver when she says she loves me. After all these years she still say the same thing, "If I was a guy, I would've married you in a heart beat." So even though I didn't cry when I spoke to her, even though I was firm and I encouraged her to get out of the dark clouds, in my heart I cried. I cried these silent tears.

Have you ever lost a best friend? I cannot imagine losing one. No, not now. Not ever!

♥♥♪♫¸.·´¯`·.¸♡♥♥ First Commenter ♥♥♪♫¸.·´¯`·.¸♡♥♥

24 comments:

hamzah said...

alahai.. sabar ok.. bagi semangat kat kawan ko.

Chochobie Zety said...

What a coincidence, recently Zet pun was craying inside cuz of an ex schoolmate and what had happen to her...
Walaupun tak selalu berjumpa and jauh but the connection is just there kan and it never went away, rasa macam semalam ja baru abis skola.. :)

Anyway hope your friend will be fine and stay strong through all of that...
Considering she's a mother, her will power must be amazingly tough! I believe so.... ;)

You too take care hun...
We're far but keep in touch..muahxxx...

J. Love said...

Yeah. My mom. She was the best friend I never had a second chance of having. She was really my best friend.

Yutaka Mushimura said...

Huhuhuhu..very sad story form me...

~~tq fr sharing this story mory~~

~~kachaa~~

LadyJava said...

Oh dear.. so sad.. I hope all turns out well for your friend Bella.. I too can't imagine losing anyone close to me but that is the reality ... when my MIL passed away in April after a year of suffering from cancer.. we were all heartbroken but life goes on ya.. so be strong.. hugs!

Monica said...

<span>i've never lost a best friend before, i don't want to ever go through that feeling.. hope everything works out for ur friend! hugsy!
</span>

nia said...

insha'Allah, everything will be ok. Doa pada Allah. Semua Allah yang tentukan.

lina said...

my doa for your friend.Hope everything will turn out OK for her.

Bella Enveeus said...

Thank you dearie.. I hope so too.. 

Bella Enveeus said...

Ya Nia.. Harap semuanya akan lebih baik.. Insya'Allah..

Bella Enveeus said...

Ya Mon.. I don't want to go through something like that too.. I pray for the best..

Bella Enveeus said...

I know sweetie but even imagining her not around feels so hard and makes me so sad.. I can still remember the fun things we did together back in those years and our pact of always being best friends and not letting anything come between us - yet something always will - and that's death. I just pray it wouldn't happen. Not now, not yet. She's got a whole life to live.. And a husband and kids to live it with. It's so sad..

Bella Enveeus said...

No problem. Thanks for dropping by

Bella Enveeus said...

Oh wow.. I can only imagine how devastated you must be. But like everybody says, life moves on. Still, it shows you're brave and strong.. And I respect that.

Bella Enveeus said...

Thanks for leaving a trail sweetie, you've been a wonderful friend yourself.. Feels like only yesterday we had our "dog" incident. LOL! That memory always manage to put a smile on my face.. 

I know she's strong. She always has been. She had always been there to face people who dared to condemn me or to question my sanity. Which is kinda funny considering that I wasn't a wacko in the first place. She always said my perbezaan tu yg buat her wanna be my friend.. So if anything happens to her, I will be very very very sad..

Bella Enveeus said...

Ya will do

Che Armster said...

....
I hope everyhting will turn out OK for her.

lost two of my best friends - the first died due to dengue, and the second went cuckoo due to unrequited love. :|

Bella Enveeus said...

I pray for the best.. Hopefully it will be better sooner than later..

It's scary not knowing what the future holds right? Some people seemed like they have the whole world in front of them and then they just died and it's so sad.. :(

Che Armster said...

Yes, it's saddening to know that people especially those we cared for dies. But life and death are God's will and it'll be inevitable for us to change the fate. The only thing we can do is to pray for their well being, and keep a strong heart, will and mind.

Shemah said...

I've been through a situation similar to your friend when I had a health scare back in 2009. Maybe it's the fact that we have children that we tend to think of death more. I think it's normal but at the same time, we do need love and support from our friends and family to get out of that funk. I honestly hope that all is well with your friend and that there really is nothing to worry about. She's lucky to have a friend like you in her life.

btw, I got married at 20 too, you know.. :)  I understand how most of my friends felt towards my decision back then but at the same time I remember resenting those who thought I was making the wrong decision. 7 years along.. i'm happy and content and I'm glad i followed my heart and didn't let their talk get to me. 

Bella Enveeus said...

Oh it must be tough on you too. Sometimes I feel like I haven't been a very good friend. I'm caught up with my stuffs and things to do that I neglect quite a few of my friendships. *Sigh*.. But then, I also feel like it's not right if I take too much of their time away from their family. I know some of them have husbands who are not too happy with the tight relationships we have.. Hmmm 

The reason I didn't quite support her to marry at 20 was because of her husband's attitude. Not allowing her to continue her studies even though she wanted to by using arguments that he can provide for her and that he wants kids as soon as possible. And when she did work for a while at Putrajaya, he gets jealous she got some attention from male colleagues. Well I have to admit, she's beautiful - macam perempuan Bosnia.. I mean, I've seen some women (elderly women) who when kids dah besar and dah mula berkedut muka, husband mula buat pasal (husbands yang tak kasi wives belajar tinggi2 n kerja) cari perempuan lain and then the wife terkapai2 can't live by herself sbb dah lama depend on the husband.. That's what made me not so happy with the marriage in the first place.. But then, the choice is hers kan.. And as a friend, I'll always be here to support her, no matter what. :)

Bella Enveeus said...

Yeah, true true.. I agree with you :)

Campari said...

oh i wish everything will be fine soon.. i nvr lose a best friend before but don't want that happen..huhu..i'll be so sad :'(

Bella Enveeus said...

Thanks. :)

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